If you haven’t found work that you love – you might find a clue in this post about finding the love of your life.
Behavior is a funny thing to put your finger on.
Most of us have a pretty foggy idea of why we act the way we do.
Beliefs, fears, values, needs and wants all influence our behavior.
It’s amazing how seldom we even consider our motivation.
But that doesn’t stop us from jumping to conclusions to explain the behavior of others.
The last frontier in human relationships may be the wild, wild west of online dating. I kid you not. Many women put up better pictures of their cats, dogs and horses, than of themselves. I often wonder what kind of love they’re really looking for.
Yet I am having a ball searching for the love of my life.
I thought it might be fun to jump to a conclusion and share it with you.
My experience
Approximately 70% of women looking for love online say they want two things in man, honesty and a sense of humor.
Yet is it fair game to expect honesty but be unwilling to deliver it?
If you really want to experience the delight of natural humor then quit using it as a mask to hide your true emotions.
Saving Vulnerability
Here’s what I mean. I bring my A game to every relationship, no matter how brief. I’m authentically expressive, vulnerable and often robustly direct.
Here’s an excerpt from my profile where we are asked to describe what we want in a match.
I want stand-by-me loyalty. I want frequent verbal and physical demonstrations of our love. I want no pretense, so a down-to-earth, authentic woman is my preference. I want a courageous woman who will ask for what she wants and I want to know what she needs. I don’t want to be put to the test or be required to guess. Finally I want to be allowed all the way into her heart so that the most trying and vulnerable times only make us love one another more.
I’ve learned not to settle. I’m looking for the love of my life. I’m romantic, strong and vulnerable. I believe the best adventures are of an inner nature. I like exploring deep consciousness, deep emotional connection and the deep delight of our bodies. If I fall for you, I’ll get ahead of myself. That’s why I’m bearing my soul here. I trust you to tell me what you like, want and need. I want to love and be loved.
I’m very comfortable sharing my deepest emotions and truth. I express meaningfully and well in all manners of communication, verbally, written and well, you know. 😉
If you want to be championed and accepted for who you are, I’m your man. I must admit a preference for a full head of long hair. I want to be able to lose my mind burying my head in your hair. I melt when you show your ears and wear your hair on top of your head.
I’m visually stimulated but just as much turned on by penetrating conversation. I prefer tall over short and hot over not. I understand that some ladies in my age range have lost their libido. Please find it before contacting me.
Yet I’ve so far encountered very few women who are willing to match my forthrightness.
Why is that?
If we can’t speak from the heart, in matters of love, where can we?
Some women protect their vulnerability like it’s their virginity.
Is genuinely expressed, self-awareness, such a rarity that it’s meant to be grudgingly doled out?
If not for a possible love of your life, for whom are you saving your awareness and vulnerability?
Waking all the way up
Awareness is simply choosing to observe oneself in both thought and action and then being willing to adjust accordingly. I like this question.
What am I thinking and doing that’s contributing to what I’m experiencing?
My jumped to conclusion
Being cautious, taking it slowly, not wanting to get hurt, not wanting to get your hopes up, are all conveniently crappy excuses to hide behind.
I know you’re afraid; so am I. But I can’t see the real you when you’re hiding behind the symptoms of your fear.
I’ve had my heart broken, more than once and it’s one of the most powerfully alive experiences I’ve ever encountered. Why run from that? What better wake up call to evolve from?
Perhaps these women simply don’t know themselves that well or they do and they’re afraid to come out as the incredibly messy beings we all are.
Gender Disclaimer
Just as I don’t intend to bash women, I’m not excusing the stupidly juvenile behavior of many men. I know what frustrating idiots we can be.
I also know that any heart must first be open to receive authentic love.
I’m concerned about this post coming off as bitter. I’m not. This doesn’t describe every woman I’ve met. A few know themselves well and they aren’t afraid to express as the delightful angels that they are.
I also understand that there’s an incredible volume of hurt to work through before most can openly love and freely express love. I wish I could give everyone of you a big hug but I can’t, if you won’t let me get close enough to reach you.
Work that you love
What’s this got to do with finding work that you love? Actually it applies very well.
Can you speak to the connection?
Care to jump to your own conclusions regarding my experiences or this post?
Have at it. Lord knows, I’m willing to be a fool for love.
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Tom,
Here, for me, is the connection:
Change the topic in your mind from dating to entrepreneurship and read that part again. Fits, doesn’t it. Well, it does for me, at least.
The thing is – I’ve had my heart broken and my ass kicked (figuratively and literally) in love and (figuratively) in business – and you’re right – they’re both powerfully alive experiences. The only two that beat them, at least in my experience, are giving birth and witnessing death.
But, a good chunk of the coaching I do with my clients is around the idea of “putting themselves out there” as who they really are on their sites…so do I find your experiences with dating all that surprising? No.
You’re right about the incredible volume of hurt most people have to work through, too. That holds us back in business, too. Shoot – I would bet it keeps a lot of people from even taking a chance on themselves by starting a business.
But here’s the deal: Some of us DO take those chances, and some of us DO do the work to heal. Just like we seek to connect with our “right people” in business, we (ok, you…cuz I’m not lookin’ yet) also seek the love of our lives. We connect with each the same way:
Be our real selves
Keep taking chances
Stay in the game
That’s what you’re doing. You keep bein’ your bad ass self and some one of these days there’s gonna be a really luck lady you’re tellin’ us about. 🙂 Rock on, Tom.
Oh, and if that’s not the picture you’re using on your e-Harmony profile, change it now and use that one. You’ve got the “come hither – I dare you!” look goin’ on! LOL
.-= Suzanne Bird-Harris´s last blog ..Introducing the WordPress Free Clinic =-.
Wow Tom! That’s some tall order you’re placing! I’d say its certainly best to put the highest possibility out there AND my husband and I were both pretty darned aware and ready when we met 9 years ago and we still had a LOT of levels to work through before we got even close to the depth we’ve got today.
In the vows we wrote we put “I will make a safe space for the man/woman you are becoming” and for me the relationship is ALL about the becoming.
So I guess if I was a woman reading that ad, I’d be thinking that there’s no WAY I could live up to that and that it sounds like we’d have to start like we’re already “there”. I would want some room to find our way and grow into it. Because I know that if I was already the person that could have that perfect relationship, I’d already have it, and there would be no work left to do.
And yes, this TOTALLY relates to finding the work we love. When it comes to love, it doesn’t matter if it’s a person or a business or a place, we defend against all of it equally in the service of protecting our dear and tender heart.
.-= SusanJ´s last blog ..Learning From Remorse Without Having a Self Pity Festival =-.
Jimminy Cricket – 60!!! I would NEVER have even guessed at that. I figured low 50’s at most.
Wow, whatever you’re doing, keep doing it! = >
.-= SusanJ´s last blog ..Learning From Remorse Without Having a Self Pity Festival =-.
Oldies but goodies … signs I saw in a sandwich shop in Terre Haute, Indiana a few days ago…
” Love like you’ve never been hurt ”
” Dance like nobody’s watching ”
So Tom, I say, go for it…eventually a woman will resonate to what you’re offering…even if you don’t meet via E-Harmony…maybe you’ll meet at the stables collecting crumbly compost!
…. Deb
Deb- Thanks for your vote of confidence. Of course I’m going for it. I think that each of us has many possibilities of authentic love. Maybe I could pose with her horse for a family photo. 🙂
WOO-HOOO, Tom!!!!!! 🙂 I think you may have just created your own online dating service just for you! Let the Googling of Tom Volkar begin!! I’m so glad you wrote this! 🙂
.-= Susannah´s last blog ..Ram Dass on Attachment and Addiction =-.
As to the photos by women: perhaps they are looking for men whose first concern isn’t looks. (I don’t think it’s a good strategy but I understand the motivation – if I’m right about it.)
Vulnerability can be difficult to handle for some people (male or female I think).
My heart isn’t nearly so invested in my work as my closest relationships, so it’s easier for me to speak boldly about the work I love.
.-= Evan´s last blog ..Announcing: Trauma Recovery Highlights Ezine =-.
Susannah – 🙂 Thanks so much. I hope it works that way. I sure enjoy putting myself out there.
Evan – Thanks man. That’s an interesting admission. I’d have to agree with you but I’ll take that as a challenge to invest my heart in my work even more. Some online daters both male and female don’t put any photo up at all. I just can’t imagine how that works for them. In fact I think the sites ought to refund their money.
Suzanne – Right on! You win the business connection prize. The fit is amazing isn’t it. perhaps fear is the connection to all things. Come hither I dare you. LOL. :)That wasn’t my intention at all but I’ll take it.
Susan – I understand where you’re coming from. I’ve worked deeply on past relationships and it’s grand when it all works out. Yet at my age (60) and having learned a lot in previous relationships I think this is the way to go. Be up front. Shoot high. Make the closest match you can from the beginning and the work will be less down the road. I’ll let you know how it works out. I think a woman could live up to it if it already described who she is.
Hi Tom,
I am going to say, wow and wow again to your online information. I like that you are willing to be as open and honest as you can and I can see that you are likely drawing a lot of connections from this bio however you are asking someone to really connect from the start in a full blown way. I am going to take a guess and say you will either attract two types of women with the depth of this entry and neither is the one you will really desire because she will either be “too needy and emotionally-unready” or the someone that says aw shucks let me give it a shot–and this person is willing to maybe give anyone a shot and try to mold herself into your perfect match.
If I may offer some suggestions here, I would say try to provide as much information as you would (on the online bio and in the dates) for a job interview which is just enough to get that really great job, winning the interviewers over one stage at a time. It’s not that you place your full desire on the back burner but you are critiquing her and the evolution of the “us” vibes all along the way.
It’s nice you are so warm and loving on the inside but you may not want to open with it as I can sense from the the info.
One last comment about your last response is you may want to be careful not to depend on your deep analyses of relationship components based on your past relationships. It has been my experience (and maybe not yours but maybe the information is helpful) that men who filter women out due to having not having done so well in former relationships judge all women and their potential so harshly that instead of building a great relationship they instead have the new person paying a relationship tax, trying to work extra hard, and she may end up sensing she has to make up for the women that were not lucky enough to make the cut or keep you around.
If you can really get to spend some time with a really nice woman that fits a great deal of your needs you by enjoying each other’s company and having fun, I think this might be the best approach. It reduces pressure for her and you and trust builds. I admit this means a devotion of more time where if you end up breaking up the heartache is greater but then you could say you got a much clearer picture and she can say the same.
I love the last two paragraphs of your entry, they are keepers.
Kindly submitted,
Tricina
Tricina – Thanks for your detailed comment. We all see things form our own perspective and I read yours with interest. You’re right. I am not taking a laid back approach to finding the love of my life. I like it that way. Actually my profile forces possible matches to consider themselves in new ways and see if they match. Obviously as a coach I’m going to hit it off better with gals who have self-examined already and have evolved to a certain point. You should know that this is only a part of my profile and indeed is the most in your face part. I’m finding that it weeds out the weak of heart and those who don’t know what they are looking for. I’m not looking to coach a mate or be the catalyst for her self-development. There are enough women out there who have already done a lot of inner work and that’s the best place for me to begin with them. I get what you’re saying about past relationships but I don’t use them to compare but to tighten up requirements. I requirement is a non-negotiable must have and it is through our past relationships that we get the blessing of what we don’t want so we can see what we do want.
Susan – Thanks and that’s a recent picture as well. 🙂 I think it’s a combination of lots of exercise and no stress living. Don’t all coaches look younger than their years?
Tom, you sound too good to be true, lol. Not bitter, but also not like you’re “having a ball searching for the love of my life”. What I get from your profile is that you know TOO much about what you want, if that makes any sense.
You have obviously done tonnes of work on yourself and without realizing it you are miles ahead of a lot of people. You can’t see it because you are so close to yourself.
“I don’t want to be put to the test or be required to guess.” I feel you’ve put SO much out there that there is nothing to be curious about and yes, it does sound like a lot to ‘live up to’. I would feel satisfied by your profile after reading the first paragraph. Then, I’d want to know more. All at once? It’s a lot to take in and process.
.-= Davina´s last blog ..9 Animal Totem Cards for Your Muse =-.
Davina – Very insightful comment. Thank you. I am having a ball sometimes and sometimes I range from disappointed, to elated and back to frustrated all in one day. Hanging your heart out these is different than anything else that’s for sure.
I do tend to go hot and heavy early on and I do share an awful lot. I hadn’t thought about not leaving anything to be curious about. I will think about it now though. I guess even too much authenticity can spoil the intrigue.
Tom – I don’t even know where to begin because this post is juicy!
I’ll dive into what was most striking for me: “A heart must first be open to receive authentic love.”
This rings true and is one of the great paradoxes of love.
How do you open your heart, especially if negative past experiences and the culture of fairy tale romance has trampled well-worn paths into your brain and caused you to leap into defensive mode at the first sign of an invitation to share yourself as you actually are in this moment?
The answer is in the state of being you choose in the Now. Can you forgive yourself and others when “stuff” comes up, and shift into something better?
Are you willing to focus your attention on what you want, who you really are and move toward that, no matter WHAT your partner or possible partner does?
Here is an excerpt from the wedding vows my husband and I wrote:
“… that the only real security is in knowing that everything you need in life, all the love, all the wisdom, all the strength, all the insight, all the understanding, all the nurturing, all the compassion, resides within you.”
“You are not coming together in hopes of getting these things, but in hopes of giving these gifts, that the other might have them in greater abundance.”
“I promise to love you with all my heart.. until I don’t… because love is unlimited, eternal and free.”
“I seek to create and discover with you, love that is unbounded and infinitely kind, playful, rowdy, blissful, generous, free, forgiving, supporting, peaceful, healthy and positive.”
Authentic love, in my book, does not make someone else responsible for my happiness by requiring something specific of the other. I choose to love them without conditions, or I don’t.
What I think your bold post is really asking of potential partners, is to recognize that we are all OK as we are; you are wanting to share all of yourself honestly with someone who wants to share all of herself honestly.
A woman reading about you can tune into her own true self energy, and sense into whether it works with your energy, the frequency that IS you.
If she can show you her true self more clearly from the beginning, you’re both starting this love experiment from a position of strength and greater harmony.
How does this apply to business? Easy – when you show up as your authentic self, transparent about what the you of this moment wants, contributes and is capable of, it gives permission to your clients and customers to do the same.
They will resonate with your offering or not, but no energy is wasted on a poor fit, and those who don’t match are free to find something that will serve them better.
Can’t wait to meet her once she finds you… 🙂
P.S. I got so inspired that I posted our wedding vows on my blog at StressFreeIn7Minutes, if anyone would like to see them. 🙂
.-= Kay´s last blog ..Wedding Vows and Looking for Authentic Love =-.
Kay – Your vows are lovely. They remind me of ones I read written by Neal Donald Walsch and his wife. I should have had you write this post for me. 🙂 You do a better job of explaining my intent that I do. I love this. “What I think your bold post is really asking of potential partners, is to recognize that we are all OK as we are; you are wanting to share all of yourself honestly with someone who wants to share all of herself honestly.”
Yes that’s it. You also put it very well here. “A woman reading about you can tune into her own true self energy, and sense into whether it works with your energy, the frequency that IS you.
If she can show you her true self more clearly from the beginning, you’re both starting this love experiment from a position of strength and greater harmony. ”
Just knowing that there are women like you who get it lightens my heart for the road ahead. Thanks buddy.
Hi Tom — it’s definitely ironic, isn’t it, that we all want to be appreciated and seen exactly as we are by another person, and yet we’re most afraid to show that in intimate relating because we suspect that what we are isn’t good enough. For me it’s been all about learning to invite that feeling of hurt, that feeling of being a little boy who’s confused and scared, because — like you said — that’s a very alive feeling.
Chris – That’s so true. It really doesn’t matter why we hide who we are. No reason is a good one. I’ve been having fun lately just blurting it all out. When I honestly tell a potential love why we may not be a good match I think the candor brings us closer and increases trust. I’m with you there pal. Aliveness even in hurt is preferable over the darkness and fear of not even looking.
Tom:
Interesting post…thank you for sharing. I’m a single guy at 40 and currently looking for work and the love of my life. Not easy tasks. If I do happen to meet someone at this phase of my life I know it’ll be for love. But, truth be told, I’m not looking for love right now.
I commend you for painting a pretty clear picture about what you want and what you’re looking for in a woman. Yeah, you might sound too picky or particular…but it’s probably better to be clear up front. As someone who has done a little online dating thing, myself…I would say that when I read a good percentage of profiles for available woman…they seem like they’re looking for Superman. A good deal of the time I’m not sure I can live up to it…kind of reminds me of reading job descriptions on a job board. But I’ve been told by my career center that I shouldn’t spend too much time responding to ads.
Anyhow, I don’t have any answers but it has been good to read other comments here. Good luck on your search and thanks for doing what you do.
.-= Tim´s last blog ..Class of 2010 Commencement Rap Song =-.
Tim – Welcome! Thanks for your heartfelt comment. We all have to remember that what we read in profiles is the other person’s ideal match or job. Just because we are not a fit with all of it doesn’t mean that a match won’t occur. I love asking what’s good about any situation and then be sure to share the good and let truth do it’s work.
Talk about a list of criteria. Talk about arrogant, in yur face! A good challenge that provokes anger can be energizing, tho. It can also put out someone else’s fire. I don’t have long hair so that keeps me off your radar. Whew! As far as libido goes, you have viagra, so please don’t be so smug. Why don’t you get reincarnated as a woman and walk in our shoes before you put out your next rant of demand!
Sandy – Thanks for throwing in your two cents. If I could reincarnate as a woman for a a week or so I’d give it a shot. Seriously, that may change my perspective and may not. Thanks for your strong reaction. You’re right. Whew! I’m not right for every woman and every woman is certainly not right for me. But thank goodness, a few are willing to stand tall and face the fire. I can see how you might think me to be arrogant but I only want a match who stimulates me in every way. Life is way too short to settle and I’d rather be wildly stimulated by every attribute of the love of my life.
Additionally I’ve done lots of self-examination work. I know what I want and I’m going for it. I’ve met a lot of women who simply don’t know what they want in a man. Unfortunately for them, they’ll never find what they can’t identify.
We agree on something then – there are few who are willing to stand tall and face the fire. I’ve yet to find a match who stimulates me in every way. Actually that’s not exactly true. My own friend, whose name is also Tom, (hmm – that’s curious) comes closest to that. I can be challenging and I’ve met few who can face it. When he and I worked together many years ago, he’d call me the Dragon Lady at certain times. I found him both stimulating and irritating. And when he felt irritating, I blew fire. But the last time we saw each other, a few weeks ago, we had progressed to a new friendship dimension including chemistry that we both experienced. So our relationship grew because over time, we each grew. Of course it is so hard to see our part in any pairing of dynamic interplay. We think we see the other person clearly but I am not sure we ever see ourselves – its like an infinite extrapolation. Hall of mirrors. So to me there is an element of something else at work in the mix – something that we can never see or hold on to. I don’t mean it negatively – it is a most interesting aspect – do two people create together? Then something might work – otherwise it is just boring ultimately. Actually I really do wish they’d invent a viagra type of thing for women. (LOL!)
Sandy – “Of course it is so hard to see our part in any pairing of dynamic interplay. We think we see the other person clearly but I am not sure we ever see ourselves – its like an infinite extrapolation. ” What you say here is interesting. I often feel as though we (those of us actively looking for true love) are actually in a mutual living laboratory of self-understanding. Some love experts say it’s never really about being in love with another person but about the experience of loving yourself when with another. I do know that how I feel when in the presence of a possible true op love is a a very sound indication of whether I ought to explore that match further.
Good luck on the female Viagra. 🙂 I’m not sure what products like that solve long term but I imagine they can be fun.
I think you’re right about one thing, at least, and that is that we ARE all “incredibly messy human beings” and that’s okay. More than okay, it’s life, a bittersweet symphony, right? 🙂 So, it takes tons of courage to just be real and most men and women alike, I think, try to conform to what their person of interest may or may not like because of, as you stated, fear. Hmm…so that vicious circle of self-betrayal continues unless we become of aware of the pattern and commit to a relationship with our own heart first. Heart = home. And if a man is not at home in his own heart (committed each day to the truth of it-a moment by moment commitment) then he is not ready for the love of his life to there reside. True love will be elusive until that awareness and it seems, Tom, like you get this. I appreciate your thoughts in the post.
Debra – Beautifully put. “Heart=Home.” 🙂 You obviously get it as well Debra. I’ve always said that we usually end up in relationship with lovers that are just a little more screwed up than we are. That messy love presents the mirror from which to see ourselves and do the work that we need to do. Yet if we’ve done the work and can accept who we are unconditionally, we’ve raised the probability and finding truly conscious mates.