This post is about being totally above board and honest when turning down an invitation. If you aren’t always truthful when you say no, are you aware of the significance of what you’re saying yes to?
Here’s an example. On Monday, I was tagged. Mags at Woo-Woo Wisdom asked me to write a post on, 10 things that make me happy. I like Mags, I enjoy her writing and I’m honored that she thought of me. But I wasn’t eager to write that specific post. I have nothing against one blogger tagging another and at first I told myself I’d do it later, but I never did.
I did want to understand why I was resisting this honorable invitation. It would be an easy post to write. I’m generally a happy guy and I could easily write 20 things that make me happy.
But one thing that definitely makes me unhappy is doing anything that feels like an obligation.
As much as possible, I’ve pledged to live an obligation-free life and I’ve been doing a pretty good job of it for the last ten years. That means I make as few promises as possible and I follow-through on each and every one of them. How’s my record so far? Very close to 99% on promises I make to others. I’m not doing near as well on self-made promises but much better since I raised my awareness of them.
But it’s not really important to you, why this felt like an obligation to me. What might be important is that you examine how frequently you offer a less than forthright reason when you say, “no thank you.”
Thomas Leonard felt that no explanation at all is necessary.
No is a complete sentence. Thomas Leonard
Sometimes when invited to a social event, that I really don’t want to attend, I’ll just smile and say, “no thank you.” If I’m asked (this seldom happens because folks generally fear the truth) I’ll be honest and tell it like it is, regardless of the imagined consequences.
This feels so freeing. The freedoms of self-determination and self-expression are two that I treasure the most as a self-employed individual. One synonym for integrity, is wholeness and that describes my feelings well. When we align our choices with what we value, we feel complete. Otherwise, by telling even a white lie, we feel a little soiled and broken.
In some ways this was challenging for me to write because I do care about what you my blogging friends and readers think of me. I hope I don’t sound like I’m riding too high of a horse when actually I was forced into becoming more truthful so that I could demand it of my coaching clients.
I’ve come to understand that every honest no means that I’m actually saying yes to something I value.
Could a dishonest excuse be proof that you care more about what another thinks of you, than you value your own freedom of self-determination?
What do you think?
Follow-through is one of my main issues in life, and much of it stems from wanting to please others so that they will like me, which leads to my having trouble saying “no”. What a timely post. Thank you for this reminder.
JBs last blog post..Life and…
Here in Panama there’s a culture of saying “yes” to everything and then simply not following through. I would rather know that someone is not going to do something I’ve asked from them instead of having them appear to agree and then turn around and not do it. If I don’t want to do something I simply say so.
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Agree 100% Tom. We all tend to have so much on our plates that to add more just increases stress. Mags is great and I feel sure she’ll understand.
I have been asked a couple of times, but for me to accepting a tagging it has to be about something that I would normally post about and something that I think my readers will be interested in.
Too many bloggers burn out because they become obsessed with traffic and less concerned with quality. I am fortunate in so much as I want traffic , but it’s not the be all and end all to me. I’ve no desire to ever become a professional blogger.
@ Louise – A Mistress Of Emotional Blackmail. LOL, I love that phrase, I may steal it one day 😉
Tim Brownsons last blog post..Why People Are Unhappy
I gave up on social obligations years ago and found it very freeing to “just say no”. Family obligations were a little harder to get rid of (my mother is a mistress of emotional blackmail), but I have managed to fight my way out of that quagmire by being firm and truthful as well. When people are close to you, it’s often more difficult for them to accept a firm no with understanding. Ultimately, though, what choice do they have? People have to accept you as you are. And they do.
However, I will resort to little white lies occasionally in order to spare people’s feelings. I don’t do this with people who are close to me (I expect them to understand and reciprocate the understanding as well), but I try and be a little more tactful with people who don’t know me very well and I sense would feel hurt by my habitual bluntness. And being “tactful” does result in the occasional little white lie…
So I think a dishonest excuse could also be proof that you care about how other people feel.
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Hi Louise you make a very good point about telling the little white lies to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. It could be a very nice thing to do.
I just can’t do it that way any longer. Instead If I sense possible hurt then I simply ask them if they want to hear the agreement I’ve made with myself regarding integrity. Surprisingly people do want to hear it and they do understand if you take the time to explain.
Great post, Tom. I wrote about the art of saying “no” a few weeks back, and I do believe that the honest “no” is the best.
When we say “yes” to something, we say “no” to all the other possibilities that can’t happen because of that one “yes.” It helps to realize that we actually say “no” all the time – it’s just not explicit.
Al at 7Ps last blog post..What’s the Best Way to Start the Day?
When it’s an honest no I think that is cool. When people lie often there is a fear of people finding out something about them they don’t want other to know. I know that 🙂
So yeah, I think a dishonest excuse shows their values (even if they are unknown to them).
Jarrod – Warrior Developments last blog post..Take Control of Your Life: Explore the Inner World
Hi Tom,
I think honesty is much better than broken promises. Years ago I learned the ability of saying no-it’s not easy. That was the most freeing thing I did. From then on, I could say no (often “no thank you”) and not feel guilty. I advise others to do the same.
Not being able to say no, often makes us doormats, and that’s certainly not a good way to live our lives.
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I would much rather hear an honest “no” from someone than transparent excuses.
I respect a person for saying no when they’re not up for something. I would also expect the same in return.
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The full complete sentence of NO became easier and easier to say the older I got. I’ve always hated being “obligated” to do things, especially because I came from a background where the word No was hardly ever used. We were brought up to do things we didn’t want to do, regardless of how we felt, because it was the right thing to do. It took me years to figure out that the “right thing to do” is relative. I am now 50. No is a complete sentence for me. And, no, it is no longer attached with guilt. There is a tremendous freedom in that and I like myself better for it. And it is said politely and with the utmost respect because I believe you still have the “obligation” to be sensitive to others as no one likes to be turned down. Because next time, it’ll be your turn to be turned down… the yin and yang of life.
rebeccas last blog post..My Dark Knight
Tom, you’ve brought up a very good point. I was also being tagged to write about 10 things that made me happy. I did not say no but wrote to the blogger personally to say that I’ve actually written something similar before. She was cool about it!
Like you, I try to make as few promises as possible so that I can ensure that I follow them through. It is the same with requests from my kids. My husband and I do not willy nilly say yes to everything that they ask for. We don’t want them to grow up being irresponsible about what they have agreed to doing.
Still, I must say that I am envious of your position. I am driven to the white lie especially when it comes to social engagements. Many times, I do not feel like going but feel that others will be disappointed if I do not show up. I used to be wrecked with guilt but have learnt how to cope with it better. Still, I cannot claim to being 100% free in expressions of all social obligations. I also realise that I care very much for how my friends feel.
Evelyn
Hi Tom – Thanks for the “behind the scenes” insight into what went on for you when I tagged you! It’s resulted ultimately in this post which is an excellent reminder on the power of integrity and how to say no both truthfully and gracefully.
Saying no is something that I’ve learned over the years, and I feel that now, to a large extent, I can do so with authenticity.
Interestingly, when I tagged you (and others), I had no expectations on my part that you fulfil the tag. I actually almost wrote something along the lines of “no pressure, no obligation, do this if you want you”, but eventually decided to leave that out :). I apologise for the feeling of obligation that ended up coming with the tag, but am nevertheless grateful for this post that you ended up writing, as I’m sure it will be immensely helpful to everyone (including me!) who reads your blog!
Mags | Woo-Woo Wisdoms last blog post..How Negative Can Equal Positive
Hi Tom – I need to practise what you do a little more. Like you, I never feel obliged to do meme’s. Most of the time they just don’t fit with my blog content anyway. But I agree to do far too many reviews etc. And it’s too time consuming.
I love reviewing things I’ve used through choice – but if it’s something I don’t want to read or use it’s difficult. But I also would find it hard to say – I’m really not interested in reading your book. I think I’d much prefer just to say I didn’t have time, which is also the truth I guess.
Hi Tom.
“I’ve come to understand that every honest no means that I’m actually saying yes to something I value.” This is a powerful statement! Thank you.
It is hard to say no, but I’m getting better at it. What I have noticed is that when you say “yes” but aren’t being honest it feels awful. And, I’ve sensed this when someone is saying “yes” to me when they mean “no”. It encompasses both of us in a disagreeable agreement and a murky feeling.
Davinas last blog post..Core Value Statements
JB I’ve found that saying no is really a willingness to put us first. When we do that we aren’t being selfish; but we are being generous because it makes us stronger so we can then help others more.
Marelisa going counter to ones culture can be challenging but I know you’re more than up to the task. I’ve always found that the key to any cultural change is greater understanding.
Tim well said. Your comment could easily serve me well as a tagging policy.
Jarrod I agree when we get lied to or lie ourselves something is being intentionally hidden even if it’s as harmless as a personal preference.
Hi Barbara freedom is found as we exercise our right to choose. Acting as if one doesn’t have a choice because of silly social pressures makes a major dent in our own decision to be free.
Zhereford welcome, I agree respect does come from being true to oneself.
Rebecca congratulations in releasing your guilt. I do agree that being sensitive to the feelings of others is preferable. But before I learned tact it was important for me to not worry about others so much and simply express my truth. Later I learned to be more graceful in how I expressed no.
Al you make an excellent point about the ramifications of saying yes. Every action counts for something regardless of what we say yes or no to.
Evelyn it sounds as if you are well on your way to 100%. It works well to talk about this issue with a couple of close friends. Then ask them for their understanding in advance for your new found radical honesty. Once you see that they understand it will be easier to practice it all the time.
Mags I am grateful for the tag for many reasons, especially because it nudged me to write this post. No apologies are necessary; the feeling of obligation was 100% self-created on my end.
Cath I wonder if a reviewing policy posted on your blog would be if helpful? I ‘m with you in this regard. I can’t imagine sitting down and feeling obligated to read something I haven’t chosen. No wonder structured schooling was such a drag for me.
Davina like some of the commenters above it sounds as though you are ready to claim your freedom from all of this unnecessary murkiness. Why not give it a go for a week and see how you feel then?
Hi Tom – maybe that would be a good idea. Thanks. Sounds like you felt the same way as I did about school. It sucked having to read fiction I was told to read in English Lit, when there were heaps more interesting books to read.
Cath Lawsons last blog post..My Blogging Mistakes – Were Yours This Bad?
What a wonderful comment. Thank you.
Honesty is a difficult ethical standard to keep to and yet the rewards are wonderful. I work with women in helping them to learn how to stand up for themselves respectfully not aggressively. They often say they don’t say “no” honestly because they are worried about hurting other’s feelings (even when the other person may have no regard for theirs). This is part of a woman’s cultural conditioning – to look after others before they look after themselves.
Underneath this though is a common human fear – the fear of rejection. People like to be liked.
Great discussion,
Thanks
Rachel.
My grandparents use to be very “sick-ly” At least that’s what it seemed like. Whenever we asked them to come over or go do something, they weren’t feeling well. My dad finally told them it was ok to say they didn’t want to go. Just say I don’t want to go!
It’s ok if we just don’t want to do something. It shouldn’t be a validation of the asker’s self worth or lack of if we don’t go.
Rachel welcome I’m sure those women appreciate having a strong advocate like you in their corner. Like you said it’s conditioning and that can be changed for the good of all.
Laurie good for your Dad. The only way we get more honesty is to practice it and show others that it’s actually preferable.
Yes, Yes, YES! I agree. I suffer from a mild case of what Rachel Green described…I’ve always had trouble saying no to requests–I hate to hurt anyone’s feelings. My husband provides frequent reminders when I begin to over-schedule myself. 🙂
There is a worse sin, however: If there’s anything I can’t stand, it’s people who cannot SAY no but go on to SHOW you their no. In other words, they agree to do something, be somewhere, etc. and then simply don’t follow through. That is fine if you are truly unable to meet the obligation, but if you never had any intentions of doing so and only said yes to avoid conflict, shame on you. Once I say yes to something, I do it, barring emergencies.
My darlin’ husband also has a great response when the answer is no. I’ve tried to employ it more often:
“I’m awfully sorry, but right now I don’t have the time to give this the attention it deserves, so I’ll have to say no.”
Good stuff, don’t you think?
Viviana Suttons last blog post..Three Tips for Negotiating With Goliath
Hi Tom,
This is probably one of the coolest articles I’ve read in a long time. Mags is a lovely person, and if I were her, I’d be honored to read this post! Honesty is definitely something I value a lot in friendships.
While I agree that “no” is a complete sentence on its own, I think adding “thank you” is a really nice touch. 🙂
Irene | Light Beckonss last blog post..Ask Why
Big hugs to your Hubby Viviana and thank you for giving us such an honest comment. Yes it is possible to say “No” graciously with respect and still be honest. We don’t have to say no aggressively.
I am with you all the way on the people who say “yes” but later don’t turn up … a “yes” is a yes and a “no” is a no, isn’t it?
Irene, I like so much that a “Thank you” can be included. I try to say something like, “thanks ever so much for inviting me …”. I’ll even say “Thank you for including me, that is really kind of you” … then I say no nicely …
We can be kind to ourselves and kind to others when we are honest, can’t we?
Rachel.
Vivianna your husband’s way of saying no is very gracious. “I’m awfully sorry, but right now I don’t have the time to give this the attention it deserves, so I’ll have to say no.”
But I would have to be very selective in using it. Sometimes I’m not awfully sorry but relieved or overjoyed to decline something that I know would not serve me well. In those cases a simple and clean no thank you, works fine.
Irene I’m pleased you enjoyed it. I agree it is recommended to be nice if we can do so sincerely. It’s probably easier for you than me. 🙂
Rachel yes we can be both kind and honest to ourselves and others. But if we know it’s a no, then there is no harm in simply saying so. I overheard another version of insincerity just yesterday, when I heard a weak maybe given in response to an invitation. Yuck I wanted to gag because of the lack of demonstrated courage. Political correctness is often not correct or sincere.