Yes Be Yourself But Not By Yourself

You are not alone. You are connected but you often don’t act like it.

You are not supposed to face challenges by yourself.

Going it alone creates separation and discord. Following the myth of the rugged individual entrepreneur is not the surest path to success.

Going it alone causes you to judge yourself and exclude others. More fear is conjured out of thin air when you try to handle it all by yourself. Fear breeds more fear. Connection breeds strength.

Going it alone creates doubt and delay. Connection is a much better way.

What if the surest way to success and fulfillment was connection and you aren’t really connected?

What if your higher self cannot fully reveal your calling while going it alone?

What if true service can only be realized in deep connection with others?

What if life really happens for you, not to you but in order to get that you can’t go it alone?

It’s only through connection that all good things are allowed and received. Business is no exception. Value is exchanged because of the trust in connection.

I believe that connection is the missing link between authenticity and prosperity. Don’t you find it more rewarding to truly express who you are when others encourage you to do so?

Authentic abundance is the natural state of affairs in the Universe but we can’t see it while working alone. The fear of being alone, blocks out the warmth of serving others.

Money is attracted to confidence. I think confidence increases to the degree that we hang with others who are eager to unconditionally support us. Confidence builds as others voice appreciation and recognition for our creations.

One of the biggest blocks to creating original value occurs when solo business owners feel judged and not supported by others. When entrepreneurs feel the sincere well wishes of positive intention they care less about what others think because they can feel the sincere connection.

Even if you’re self-employed, how could you increase your connection to like-minded others in the same boat?

What concerns come up for you when you consider being more vulnerable in connection with other small business owners?

Do you think the quantum physicists are correct when they say that everything is energy so we already are connected to everything and everyone?

If you knew that to be true without doubt, how might you conduct business differently?

Is Your Inner Child Still Running Your Life?

At six years old, I was a wild little rascal who liked to try out studio wrestling moves on my unsuspecting friends.  I was fearless back then in an untamed kind of way.  But gradually my wild spirit got crushed in my upbringing.  em-adn-les

My Dad believed in the scared shitless variety of psychological punishment.  One time he got me good.  He had a friend with a black sedan pull up the drive way and told me they had come to take me to Morganza, the local reform school.  I believed him and I ran away and hid out I the woods until I thought it was safe to return.

Our conditioning is the cumulative affect of our upbringing and all the applied thoughts that shaped our version of who we think we are.

I’ve talked with hundreds of coaching clients about their upbringing and the norm was a general beating down.  We were not celebrated for the special beings that we are.  Often we were not encouraged to go for our authentic greatness but instead cautioned to play it safe.

Even then, as five and six year old children, we tried to make sense of this irrational parenting so we made up explanations.  Often what we made up had us feeling less than capable.

But those events really only had the meaning that we interpreted them to have.  The good news is that now we can go back and give those events new meanings that serve us well.

Now we can honor the little person within so that a stronger and wiser self if running our lives.

Your Inner Child As Hero

It truly is remarkable how you’ve turned out in spite of your upbringing. Look at the four choices we have in any challenging situation.  We couldn’t really remove ourselves because we were dependent on them.  Change wasn’t an option either.  Try working with an alcoholic parent to change your relationship.  Good luck there.

Acceptance wasn’t even a concept I could fully understand until my forties and many adults never learn it.  What was left?  Resistance, but even our resistance was thwarted.  It never got full expression, so the only thing we could do was to swallow it and turn it back in on ourselves.  As a result we made a series of false conclusions to try and make sense of things.

That’s why we need to write a whole new story about our childhood.  Your inner child is still influencing your capacity and in many cases right up to the limits of what you set for yourself in first and second grade.

But your inner child was and still is quite courageous.  Don’t you think it’s time to honor his or her courage?

Now You Know Better

As adults we are responsible for our destiny and that includes any and all needed adjustments on how we recall our history.

Truly, as tragic as it was, our parents did the best job that they were capable of at the time.  But now that you know better, it’s time to write a new life story.  It’s time to tell the truth to yourself about your remarkable capabilities.

Have a dialogue today with that little guy or gal (who is still within affecting your results) and allow him or her to understand what happened.  Talk it all through.  Explain that you made it all up in order to make sense of the world and now you know better.

Essentially recondition your conditioning.

Give it new meaning.  Give a new meaning that serves you well.  Here’s how to do that.  Your story needs to be strong enough to heal the little boy or girl within.

Give Her What She Needs Most

Imagine a spot where you sat and pondered in your home when you were six years old.  I sit with Little Tommy on the back porch steps and talk with him while he sits on my lap.

So sit with your little gal and talk with her.  Ask her what she needs.  Really get into imagining that you and her are sitting in a place at the home where you grew up.  Invite the dialogue;  she’ll welcome the opportunity to get it all out.

Don’t judge her, just give her all the time she needs to say everything that comes up.  If you cry, that’s very good, just let it all flow.   Some folks do well setting the scene and then writing out the questions and answers.  After she says what she needed, that she didn’t get back then, your job is to reassure her that all is well now.  Then give her what she needs to feel whole.

Tell her that you’ll give her the support, recognition, celebration or encouragement that she missed out on all those years ago.

Assure her that you will love her and acknowledge her and give her all that she needs.  Give her a closing hug and be sure she feels like she can come to you to talk things through any time.

Your inner child is still setting limits and running your life.  You might as well give her or him a new script to follow because you are the creator of your destiny.

Personal Relationships and Business Support

Solo entrepreneurship can be a lonely journey and if you have a non-supportive spouse or significant other, it can feel even lonelier. Lately I’ve seen a greater number of brand new small business owners, who feel as though they are all on their own, even though they are in relationship.  Conflict between the man and the woman

Even if you are not presently in a personal partnership you may feel the need to seek relationship support from close friends and family members. In either case you may be been surprised by what appears to be the lack of unconditional support.

When I was building an entrepreneurial business 14 years ago, I was married with two young teenagers. During the business development stage, I was working over 70 hours weekly and telling myself the classic workaholic’s lie. “I’m doing it for them.”

It might make you feel better to rationalize your non-supportive behavior, but if you are anything like I was, deep within, you understand that being an absentee spouse and parent is not doing anything for them. Furthermore, you are mostly doing it for you and it’s okay to admit that truth.

If you need relationship help now, you’ll still need it while building your business but then there will even more pressure on all fronts. Everyone is familiar with a couple that tried to solve their relationship problems by having a baby. Did it work for the couple you knew? No? Then why would birthing a new business improve your relationship?

Here’s another big lie.

It’s not personal, it’s only business.  Donald Trump

Everything is personal! When Trump and others use that line, they are only trying to justify less than human behavior.

You and the actions you take are the main reason why your business succeeds or fails. If your life sucks then your business results will suck.

If you have weak personal relationships that drain your energy, then your focus will be lacking. Without a strong focus, your decision-making, personal productivity and inspired actions will all suffer.

If you don’t have strong spousal support or unconditional support in your close relationships, you first need to understand them from their perspective.

When a life partner cautiously advises you not to venture out on your own, they are not questioning your ability or resolve to succeed.

They are only speaking from the perspective of their own fears.

They could fear having less time with you. Your initiative could be forcing them to face their own fears of success, of failure or of never being authentically fulfilled in their work. And of course they could be thinking about having less money and how that affects the household budget.

Good personal relationships are essential to making good business decisions. If you are fighting battles both at home and in the marketplace, you will lose on both fronts.

My first coaching  certification was in relationship building and more and more it’s my relationship coaching skills that come into play first, with my small business clients.
If you’re considering starting a small business, first repair or end non-supportive relationships.

You might enjoy these tips for a confident career change.

Remember this brilliance in the face of relationship problems.

I’m never upset for the reasons I think I am.  Eckhart Tolle

What relationship challenges do you need to understand greater, in order to build your business with less resistance?

What adjustments need to be made in your relationship with you, so that you are more grounded and your business is more supported?

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Support Resource:

Request a free Confidently Make the Leap, strategy session to get really clear on how and when to make your move.


Unconditional Support – Ever had it? Want it?

Is it truly unconditional?

Do you have a source of unconditional support and are you tapping into it frequently? If you aren’t receiving such powerful backing in your life, what might you do to get some? In my last post, Seizing Your Greatness, I offered a powerful exercise to discover the true path to work that you love.

But what if you’ve found it and don’t feel strong enough to go for it?
That’s where unconditional support comes in. Support in Rugby

I used to be one of those guys who seldom asked for help. That was misguided. I’ve changed my ways, how about you? Do you graciously accept all support and seek it out when needed? I’ve found that most of us need to raise our willingness to receive. Even though the intention to give first without expectation is wise, we also must be willing to ask when we need the strength of others.

Mothers and fathers sometimes provide this level of support, and even spouses and siblings are capable of it. Beyond that (especially in traditional business circles) it’s rare indeed to find folks who are willing.
(Image by murky on Flickr, via Creative Commons license)

Wanting to, and actually following through without a personal agenda, is rare. One of my earliest coaching clients hired me just to listen to his ideas, because everyone else in his life, including his boss and his wife, had their own agenda for him. Have you ever felt that way?

I want you to know that this isn’t just talk. I’m presently testing my theories in a real life experiment by facilitating an unconditional support experience. Thus far, the results are amazing. I’m asking the members of this experience to offer their observations and realizations by commenting below.

What about you?

What could you accomplish, be or understand with a steady stream of support that was absolute, unquestionable and given with no strings attached?

Could this be a case of not knowing what you’re missing because you’ve never realized support without limit?

Observations from the Field

As with team sports, support is more easily given when clear-cut ground rules and a shared objective are agreed upon.

Support is more prevalent when facilitated by a coach who keeps one eye on the rules and another on the big picture objective. I’m finding it to be a challenging and glorious dance.

Even though I’ve coached individuals, groups and teams, those in a group experience receive unconditional support in far greater amounts because there are multiple sources of support that synergize with one another. I wonder if unconditional support could be the key to getting any business or sports team to perform at its best?

It’s certainly making a big difference in the lives of those brave adventurers who are right now participating in this bold social experiment. I’ll let them tell the rest of the story by asking them to comment on their experience.

Well my fellow supporters? What say you?

Can you tell us how differently you now feel while realizing greater unconditional support than before the experiment?

Have you noticed anything different about your decisiveness and/or clarity?

What specific value have you received from enjoying absolute support?

Have you accomplished more or less due to the backing of others?

What would you recommend to those considering a similar experience?

Why would you encourage them to participate?

What else do you want to share about the experience of both giving and receiving unconditional support?

For the rest of you, what could you accomplish, be or understand with a steady stream of support that was absolute, unquestionable and given with no strings attached?